What Leaders Can Do with Their Emotions
Earlier this week, one of my leadership coaching clients came to a session interested in working on emotional intelligence.
Our first order of business, of course, was to unpack what this broad term meant to them and what it would mean to them to improve in the realm of emotional intelligence.
Many leaders don't know what to do with their emotions. Here are some of my thoughts in the wake of that coaching session.
First, what not to do.
Don't stuff your emotions down
As you know, they'll tend to creep back in in subtle ways; in emails, small word choices, body language, etc. Emotions are indicators of an opportunity, and if you ignore them, you're missing out.
>One leader I knew was working on a startup team with a disruptive technology. The way that the CEO was marketing the technology and representing it in their slides didn't quite match what the CTO knew to be true about the tech. Every time the CTO tried to bring it up, it got squashed down. Eventually, the CTO lowered their own ‘emotional antenna’ and numbed out to the misalignments.
Don't leverage your emotions for emphasis
If you're in a leadership position and you emphasize your emotions to make a point, you take a risk. The risk is that you could instill fear in your people. It could be that you appear erratic or unhinged. Even if you're elated, you risk sending a message about short-term wins and modeling that folks should ride the ups and downs rather than foster equanimity.
>A leader I used to work with would bang their fist on the table when they spoke about work that they deemed sub-par. It was an honest reflection of how they felt, and they thought it was important to be transparent. However, the impact it had on their people (including me!) was an increase in anxiety and a decrease in trust of this leader's ability to handle news about mistakes and areas we needed their help in.
The middle path: Tune into your emotions and channel their energy
Ok, so here's what to actually do with your emotions.
First, simply tune in. Through reflection, get an answer to this: What am I feeling, exactly, and why?
Naming our emotions and understanding their source sounds so simple, but this practice can actually be pretty difficult sometimes. Take time for reflection. It could be alone, on a walk or other exercise. It could be with a coach. It could be with a spouse or friend.
If you're IN the emotion and it's all-consuming like a storm cloud, you're not ready to reflect, and you must wait.
Once you have calmed down and reflected, you might be ready to channel the energy that your emotion carries. Toward what is up to you. It might be toward a goal. It might be relationship repair. It might be increased wisdom and resolve that you keep with you for next time.
> A client leader was frustrated recently, championing a new technology for operations. The team doing the work was grumpy about the change because, in the short term, it felt like more work for their processes. They kept butting heads. After stepping back to process and see the bigger picture, the leader channeled those emotions into learning a better way to manage the change and support the team while inspiring them to step up to the change. In short, by accepting, processing and channeling their frustration, this leader was no longer a victim of their emotions.
So rather than leaning on an emotion for emphasis without really having unpacked it, use your emotional experience as a layer of wisdom and nuance that underpins your leadership choices.
