Understanding only comes with Exposure, but be Careful

Feeling understood by others hits a deep craving we have as humans. It creates a validation of our very being and tells us "you're not alone."

I was talking to a friend recently who is familiar with the Enneagram model and knows that I know what her type is. I shared a dynamic typical for her type that seemed present in the situation she was describing to me.

I mentioned, "I hope you know I share about these dynamics to show you that I get it, and that it doesn't feel like I'm using my knowledge of your type to do any sort of ‘gotcha’."

She replied that yes, it helps her feel understood.

To which I replied, "Yes, but it probably makes you feel more exposed, too."

With a chuckle she confirmed, "Yes, that too." 

That was an insight for me -- that the vulnerability we demonstrate when we allow others to know us more deeply brings both exposure and understanding. 

Trust is a key ingredient here. We allow ourselves to be vulnerable when we trust that the person to whom we're exposing ourselves will have the discretion to use that knowledge to show compassion and understanding, and not to use it against us.  And sometimes, we don’t allow ourselves to be vulnerable because we don’t trust that the level of exposure will be safe.

Trust and vulnerability together make a 'reinforcing loop' - either a snowball effect  or a downward spiral. And we may not necessarily choose where to start. We may choose to expose ourselves, or we may simply get exposed. We may wait to see a demonstration of trustworthiness before any exposure.

I could trip on the stairs, and if you don't laugh, I might trust you a bit more. At work, I could make a mistake that I know you saw, and I could see that you treated it gently, and I trust that more. 

Bottom line here for you as a leader: earn someone's trust by treating the ways they expose themselves with discretion, understanding, and compassion.  

Bottom line here for you as a human: if you want to be understood, it requires taking some risk to expose yourself.