What Makes Listening So Damn Hard

Listening. We know it as one of the most high-impact yet under-used leadership skills there is. So let's explore the question: what makes listening so damn hard? We all know how satisfying it is to be deeply listened to and feel understood. We all know how it feels to be dismissed or disregarded. It's obvious that listening well is valuable. Why aren't leaders better at it, and how can we practice? 

Here are three reasons why listening is so damn hard.

1. To listen well, we must suspend our own opinions

The layman's approach to listening is to listen judgmentally, kind of like a gatekeeper. By gatekeeper, I mean you're listening thinking, "Do I agree or not with what this person is saying?" You are running all of their words through your personal filter asking, “What do I think about this?” While to some extent you can't avoid your own subjectivity, it’s not necessary to vet everything you hear through the filter of your own opinion.

To listen well requires putting your opinions on hold. You must temporarily suspend your them, disassociate from them, and to some extent merge with the person to whom you're listening. This requires serious self-trust and a deep wellspring of confidence in your own principle-based existence. In doing this important leadership skill, you're choosing to temporarily set yourself aside and be a follower.

Now, of course this doesn't mean you need to agree with what you're hearing. If you're listening with a lens of, "Do I agree with what this person is saying?" then see above; you're listening judgmentally. Agreement is not the goal of listening. The goal of listening is understanding. In order to understand, you must attempt to relate. No matter how 'out there' what you're hearing seems, try to empathize with how that sentiment or perspective would be possible if you were in that person's shoes.

Being attached to our own opinion will inhibit our ability to truly listen. Remember though, you're not giving up your own opinion or convictions permanently. You're temporarily suspending them in order to fully understand someone else. Someone whose human experiences you can surely relate to, given that we all have the capacity to feel all human emotions.

2. Listening takes serious focus and brainpower

Listening is such a gift. You are primarily giving the gift of your attention, which we know can go in a thousand different directions. Ironically, abandoning your own opinion and trying not to think too much requires a lot of brainpower. You must quiet the running monologue in your own head to truly receive the words and emotions that the other person is putting out. Training yourself in mindfulness will make you a better listener.

Listening well also means you're listening on multiple layers. You're listening to what's being said, but can you also listen for what is not being said? Can you also listen for the values that are being portrayed and the needs that are attempting to be met? You learn a lot by observing what the person chooses to focus on from the myriad ways they could see something. Listen for values and desires. Listen for limiting beliefs and aspirations.

Listening on multiple layers requires multiple simultaneous brain processes. Try to trust yourself to receive all of this information.

If you find yourself bored while listening, that could mean a few things. That could mean you've grown accustomed to a certain noise level in your life, which might benefit from a reduction. it might mean you're only listening at surface level. It might mean you're sensing that the conversation is hanging out at the surface and not getting to the deeper truth of the situation. You can ask an open-ended question in order to try going deeper.

3. After all this, you're expected to respond!

After putting yourself in receiving mode, suspending your own opinions, and truly focusing on what you're hearing with multiple brain processes working simultaneously, you're usually expected to respond. And as a leader it behooves you to show in your response that you were listening. This is a mental switch as you are going from receiving to synthesizing to delivering. This switch might take a few moments. But rarely do these spacious moments exist in today's business conversations! (In my team development work, I try to help teams slow down and leave whitespace for this processing to happen. I've written about dialogue here).

There is a certain level of trust of one's own intuition that can help here. Let your response be layered: reflect back what you heard or felt, connect some dots, and only then share your own thoughts.

Listening is one of your most powerful leadership skills 

You will impact someone by helping them feel understood. You will simultaneously satiate a deep human longing for connection and an acute business need to build trust and honestly receive another perspective.