How to Have the Tough Conversations
In our closest relationships that support our growth and development, alignment is naturally in flux. When things get messy or confusing, or trust falters, how do we straighten it all out?
It's not easy. And it's usually about some small comment, email or action that we can mind-bend up, down, and sideways. "Oh, it wasn't a big deal." we tell ourselves, even though emotionally, it keeps cycling in our mind and has put a small crevasse between us and another. "They will think I'm crazy if I draw attention to that" we might think.
This is death to the relationship by 1000 paper cuts. At some point we've got to take the risk and have the conversation about that dumb little thing that is still bothering us.
I'll give you an example.
A colleague of mine didn't show up to a meeting. I ended up representing us both to the other parties. In the moment, I didn't mind. The conversation really didn't warrant both of our intellectual capital being spent there anyway. It was not a high stakes situation. But, I couldn't help wonder what happened.
I've made some progress over the years by learning not to make up a story about what this meant, but that just left me with an uncomfortable gap in meaning. If I was honest with myself, it affected my trust. That's what really mattered to me to maintain.
I debated whether to say anything. I did my own analysis of why this mattered to me. I walked the balance in my mind for the appropriate framing. I did not want to appear heavy handed, micromanag-y, or have a punishing or critical tone. I simply wanted to ask about what happened, and and ask for what I would like in the partnership. (A heads up if possible). Side note: asking for what we subjectively need warrants its own post!
I did find courage to be vulnerable and ask about the situation. It felt awkward and I probably stumbled through it. I over-emphasized that the consequence in the meeting was truly no big deal, but that I wanted to uphold our partnership to a certain level of integrity. I am grateful to report that my message was received well and validated.
There's more. Because I felt open, due mostly to feeling that my perspective was well received, I also learned what I could do to be a better teammate. I could send a text saying 'Hey, are you coming to the meeting?' which wouldn't be a nag like I had worried it would, but a hand out, because this person had a lot going on and would appreciate that kind of support.
You could say I got lucky; not every teammate would respond so well. However, going into a conversation like this with appropriate contextualizing (sometimes caveating), open framing (not feeling, and thus not appearing, critical), and true curiosity can greatly increase your chances of success at bridging the divide.
The thing I want to emphasize here is that these interactions can feel so minor, yet have big impacts on our relationships.
A good friend and I recently rehashed an interaction that had happened a month prior where the things that were communicated by each of us were misinterpreted by the other. What a gift it was to break down the interaction and say, "When you said this thing, I thought you were talking about X" and to have the other person say, "No, here's what was going on for me."
If you want to have more of these exchanges than you're currently having, where the result is clarity on each other's perspective and increased trust, not to mention a great feeling of connectedness and relief, here is what I will impart to you from my experience:
Be willing to take a risk. Of course there's a cost to bringing something up, and you need to be willing to endure that cost for the potential upside. Too often we tip the scales in the wrong direction here.
Do enough processing on your own, first, so that you are able to approach the conversation with a genuine intent to learn rather than the intent to teach. Get clear on any needs you have from the relationship, and own them.
Be vulnerable. This is about you showing up to the interaction saying, “This is bothering me, and it’s probably bothering me because of my own stuff, but you can help me by sharing what's going on over there for you.”
Talking transparently about the real stuff is the only way to maintain high trust relationships. We need high trust relationships to flexibly, creatively and authentically bring our best to the table.
Tagged: trust, relationships
