My Boundaries Are For Me
I have to admit, for the longest time, I didn't really 'get' what people meant when they talked about boundaries. It's not that I didn't have any; I just couldn't wrap my head around a clear, concise definition for the word and didn't have clarity on what, conceptually, having healthy boundaries meant. And I can recall questions I asked of others that were none of my business, possibly crossing boundaries that I should have respected more.
I feel more clear now. One time my therapist said to me, "Liz, you can just tell me: 'I don't want to go there, with you, right now.'" The way he gave permission for me to simply draw a line in the sand at a certain point in time about a certain topic made it seem so simple.
I started developing the concept that a boundary is just a line I draw about what I do and don't want at that time. I use the word 'want' deliberately here to illustrate that it is subjective. It's my choice, and I don't even have to rationalize it. Ultimately, boundaries are drawn around my willingness, but hopefully they are stemming from my desires.
My boundaries are for me. They're impermanent and I can change them anytime. I used to coach on Saturdays, and I don't anymore. Maybe one day I will again, who knows. On a recent vacation I offered to support a client on a late Friday afternoon. From the outside I could see that might seem ludicrous; they weren't even asking. But that support felt important and meaningful to our work, and I enjoyed the beautiful balance of sailing with my father earlier in the day and supporting this client after that, and then transitioning back to family life and cooking dinner.
I'm beginning to notice that the clearer I am on the serious boundaries that matter to me and the more I trust myself to hold them, the more relaxed I am on the not-so-important boundaries that I can hold more loosely by choice.
A few clients are wrestling with this question, now, about what boundaries they need in place that they don't already have. They're noticing that their lives are out of alignment with their needs and desires.
Some thoughts for you as you explore bringing in a few more health-supporting boundaries:
First, just spend some time envisioning what you would like that's different. Don't worry about why or how.
Explore the possibility of what you can say no to. (Do you have to say yes to every meeting invitation, or is that just reflexive?)
What about giving yourself permission to set internal boundaries? Meaning, can you allow certain things to take up less headspace when you need to rest.
My boundaries are for me. Your boundaries are for you. What do yours need to be to serve that which you value most?
