What to Do About Other People
Clients often bring to coaching dilemmas involving other people. What those other people might think, what they did that was absurd, how to have a conversation in which the other person will actually listen, etc. In his book, Reboot, Jerry Colonna devotes a whole chapter to “the irrational other.”
I am learning (finally) to stop trying to understand why people do what they do or say what they say. I’ve come to accept that other people are like black boxes. We will never know what is inside that thing! Even if they try to tell us, language is imperfect and it will likely not make sense.
As I described this visual to my therapist, he added, “Yes, and the black box emanates. All we can do is receive, deflect, and deal with those emanations.” The point being, don’t try to get inside and change what’s in the box. I’ve been walking around for a week with this fantastic visual of a black box emanating, and wanted to share it with you.
Even if I do feel like I understand other people and have a good guess at their motivations, I am reminded to stay out of their box. My energy should be focused on what will work for me and how I can show up with my best to offer. Time spent doing other people’s thinking for them is not a good use of my energy. I’m learning. Slowly!
Having the visual of an emanating black box has been so helpful. It’s given me such a feeling of freedom. It is another’s responsibility to emanate from their box in a constructive way. If the emanations coming from someone are negative, unproductive, rude, or impatient, I can just say “Oooh, it seems like that person is feeling impatient.” I don’t have to take it personally. I don’t have to figure out why. I don’t have to do anything about their feelings. I might choose to hurry up, if they’re waiting on is in my hands. But I don’t have to bring drama into it.
Here are some truths about other people:
we can’t control them
we can’t stop them from projecting on us or making up stories about us
we can’t control how they think
we can’t control whether they listen
they often won’t make sense to us
So the short answer of what to do about other people? Not much! Or perhaps nothing. We can just focus on deepening our own ballasts so we maintain peace and stability despite the waves rocking us around from other people’s stuff. We can set boundaries. We can make sure our own emanations send the message we intend to send.
Here is what I am using that saved energy to *try* do instead (it’s always a work in progress, of course!):
work on my ability to interpret behavior differently and reframe constructively
remind myself that I just don’t know all that is going on for that person
focus on the emanations I am putting out into the world
cultivating peace within myself by processing my own emotions
assuming more responsibility for my experiences and desires
Interpersonal struggles are some of the hardest. This black box visual is going to help me focus on that which I can control: myself.
