How to Nail a Tough Conversation
Someone has asked you to a meeting. You know what it’s about and you know it is going to be tough — emotionally tough.
Here are some tips for how you can lead yourself through that conversation.
Before the conversation
If you are feeling nervous, it might be part of you that is feeling threatened by the uncertainty. Ask yourself: “What is the threat really about?” Write down the answer. This is really important. By writing it down, you de-potentiate it.
Next, ask yourself who you want to be during that meeting. This is where, as a leader, you can access the ontological state – the being state – that you intend to take. Do you intend to be curious, or transparent, or maybe clear and receptive?
Are there any new behaviors you would like to embrace or adopt? If the conversation takes place in the context of an ongoing relationship, there very well may be patterns that you are expecting. If you typically have a patterned response that you would like to change, it is good to again write down your intention for how you would like it to be different.
During the conversation
My number-one goal in conversations like this is to remain aware of myself and not get clouded by my ego feeling threatened, hence the preparation above. But how do you remain aware of yourself?
I actually find that it helps to focus on the other person and try to understand what they are trying to communicate. I take a beginner's mindset and try not to make assumptions about why they’re saying what they’re saying or what they really mean. Instead, just ask. Ask a lot of questions.
One of the patterns that I have broken for myself is the feeling that I needed to decide or answer someone right away. I have learned to say, let me think about that and get back to you.
Another thing you can do to maintain awareness is to take the time you need to think. Breathe, pause, and show that you’re thinking. Mindfulness is a muscle that behooves leaders to practice daily (meditating just two minutes daily can help build this muscle).
Lastly, know that there is a way to say what you need to say to feel whole and complete, and to do so in a way that shows care and compassion for the other person. Often people are scared to say their own truth and then when they do, it comes out sounding more rigid or harsh than they intended. Staying in tune with the care and compassion for the other helps you soften the edges of your message. That allows the main point of your perspective to be heard.
After the conversation
This is the time for reflection — you may have new insights and learning. I bet you know what I’m going to say: Write it down!
If you feel compelled to share these insights with the person with whom you had the conversation, don’t rush to do so. Know that there will be a right time. It will emerge and you don’t have to force it. Your mindfulness will help you know when the right time is.
